2016 was the yr the pundits known as it mistaken in nearly each regard.
So what on earth may 2017 have in retailer?
Who higher to show to than our personal Piers Morgan, the person who predicted Donald Trump can be President, for a wry look into his crystal ball…
JANUARY
Piers Morgan predicted that Donald Trump would turn into President of the USA
The Supreme Court docket backs the Excessive Court docket's ruling that Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty, triggering formal graduation of Brexit, must be accredited by Parliament. Depart campaigners instantly explode with fury at this resolution, saying the very final thing they needed from Brexit was to be bossed round by our personal sovereign law-makers or Parliament.
'If solely we'd stayed in bloody Europe, their judges and politicians would by no means have let this occur!' moans Michael Gove from a vacation villa in Marbella.
Donald Trump is inaugurated as President of the USA.
As he says the oath of workplace, a distraught Hillary Clinton rushes the rostrum with a banner saying: 'I SHOULD BE SAYING THIS, I'M A WOMAN!' President Trump strikes into the White Home and promptly broadcasts intensive renovations to show it into the Gold Home.
Sir Andy Murray is crushed within the Australian Open remaining for the sixth time, in straight units by home-grown unhealthy boy Nick Kyrgios, who celebrates by punching himself repeatedly within the head. A web-based marketing campaign to ban Murray from being described as British is launched by Wayne Smith, a Ukip-supporting builder from South London. 'Murray's a ineffective Scottish fool,' he tweets. 'Why ought to we English folks must fake he's one in all ours?'
FEBRUARY
Singer Cheryl along with her boyfriend Liam Payne from pop group One Path
Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini-Cole has a child boy by her boyfriend, Liam Payne from One Path. They identify him Simon. 'He's very demanding, by no means listens to me and spits out his dummy so much,' explains Cheryl.
One other pop star, Woman Gaga, performs the half-time present on the Tremendous Bowl in Houston. Madonna joins her on stage and claims they're secret sisters, born as a part of a hideous government-orchestrated human genome experiment that went badly mistaken.
'Can there be any additional proof that we're the 2 biggest victims and survivors within the historical past of mankind?' Gaga shouts, as they strip bare to sing Born This Manner earlier than banking their £20 million charges.
Harper Beckham, 5, stars in her personal catwalk present at London Vogue Week. 'It was solely her concept and completely nothing to do with me and Victoria shamelessly exploiting our younger youngsters to advertise Model Beckham,' explains proud dad David. Subsequent morning, Harper is photographed on her strategy to faculty. 'This can be a disgusting invasion of our little lady's privateness,' rages her father in a press assertion delivered on the international launch of his 11-year-old son Cruz's new album.
On the 20th anniversary of Dolly, the primary cloned sheep, Jeremy Clarkson reveals he's cloning himself 100 occasions. This results in an instantaneous dramatic fall in UK immigration numbers.
MARCH
Theresa Could triggers Article 50, formally beginning Britain's exit from Europe, predicts Piers
Theresa Could triggers Article 50, thus formally beginning Britain's exit from Europe. The world doesn't instantly finish.
'See,' says Boris Johnson, under, standing proudly outdoors Chevening. 'As I instructed you in that first draft of my pre-referendum column, all discuss of a post-Brexit apocalypse was only a load of previous de Pfeffel, as my dad and mom wish to name me.' Subsequent morning, markets tumble, the pound dives, home costs crash and Mrs Could declares a state of emergency.
'See,' says Boris, now in hiding at his closely barricaded vacation house in Greece surrounded, paradoxically, by historic crumbling ruins: 'As I instructed you within the second draft of my pre-referendum column, all that discuss of a post-Brexit apocalypse was completely… spot-on.'
Donald Trump broadcasts work will start on his much-anticipated plan to safe the 1,000-mile southern border with Mexico – dubbed 'The Concrete Curtain' – and invitations Vladimir Putin to the opening ceremony. Putin – evoking reminiscences of Reagan's Brandenburg Gate command to Gorbachev – declares: 'Mr Trump, construct up this wall!'
APRIL
Piers Morgan thinks the Brangelina divorce will take a flip for the 'diabolical'
On the primary of the month, Jeremy Corbyn sensationally resigns, admitting: 'I've all of a sudden realised I've dragged my occasion into an totally unelectable sewer of union-dominated infighting, jobs-for-the-militants cronyism, and communist insurance policies so excessive even Chairman Mao would have rejected them.'
Two hours later, Corbyn seems on dwell TV with a large grin on his face and says: 'April Fools!' He then broadcasts a brand new Labour Celebration rule stating that anybody who turns into a member and solemnly declares timeless help for Corbyn as chief will get a free beard trimmer, silver shell-suit and subscription to Pravda.
The Brangelina divorce takes a flip for the diabolical as Angelina Jolie orders her legal professionals to write down to Brad Pitt to demand custody of the couple's Botox surgeon, Dr Linesmoother. 'He can have the children, the homes and the automobiles,' she broadcasts in an expressionless assertion from the Congo jungle, the place she is sourcing a brand new household to deliver house to deploy as a brand-enhancing trend accent. 'However he's not having Linesmoother. It's a elementary breach of my human feminist rights as a surgically enhanced actress!'
Alastair Cook dinner broadcasts he's persevering with as England cricket captain, regardless of the Four-Zero drubbing in India. 'I've had time to replicate on that consequence and concluded it was all Kevin Pietersen's fault,' he explains, regardless that Pietersen wasn't taking part in within the collection.
MAY
Marriage is on the playing cards for Pippa Middleton (left) and her boyfriend James Matthews, thinks Piers
Pippa Middleton marries financier James Matthews. To the astonishment of Royal watchers, her sister Kate wears an outrageously figure-hugging costume and performs Beyoncé-style booty wiggles as they enter the church. 'Oh expensive, did I upstage the bride?' Kate is heard laughing to mates later.
Leicester Metropolis are relegated from the Premier League precisely a yr after they gained it. 'We're all completely gutted, sick as parrots and about as removed from over the moon as footballers may probably be,' says tearful striker Jamie Vardy, as bailiffs arrive to impound his Melton Mowbray mansion. Higher information for Chelsea, who turn into champions by narrowly beating off Manchester Metropolis. Arsenal come fifth and delighted supervisor Arsene Wenger celebrates by signing a brand new 20-year contract value £250 million.
'In these turbulent occasions, I present unbelievable consistency,' he says. 'Who else may qualify for the Champions League 21 occasions with out ever profitable it, or go 13 years with out profitable the Premier League?' I rejoice by throwing myself off Beachy Head. 'Appears like a win-win,' chortles Wenger on listening to the information.
In France, Proper-wing candidate Francois Fillon wins the presidential election, beating far-righter-wing candidate Marine Le Pen by being marginally much less offensive about immigration, Islam and household values. 'He could also be repulsive,' says one liberal French voter who voted for Fillon, 'however she's completely revolting.'
JUNE
Right here comes the bride? A tongue-in-cheek glimpse at how Harry's huge day may look
After a whirlwind engagement, Prince Harry marries Meghan Markle in a star-studded service at Westminster Abbey watched by billions all over the world. Because the 35-year-old American divorcee actress shimmies down the aisle, Prince Philip is heard murmuring to the Queen: 'So that is Wallis Simpson once more, solely with thespian tendencies, proper?'
On the Buckingham Palace reception, Harry shouts: 'I'm so completely happy I may sink a barrel of beer!' And that's precisely what he does, ending up drunk as a skunk and taking part in bare billiards with actors from Meghan's hit US authorized drama, Fits.
Kim Kardashian, proper, information for divorce from Kanye West. 'I'm come to grasp that Kanye's simply an attention-seeking, publicity-ravenous show-off,' she says in a press release. 'And there's solely room for a type of on this marriage.'
Piers thinks that June would be the month that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West file for divorce
JULY
Sir Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, beating Novak Djokovic within the remaining. 'By no means been prouder to be British!' tweets Wayne Smith, from South London.
James Corden persuades the Pope to sing Stairway To Heaven and Save A Prayer For Me Now on his US chat present phase, Carpool Karaoke. 'It's an unbelievable honour to fulfill such a globally beloved and fashionable public determine,' Pope Francis tells Corden.
Theresa Could spends her two- week summer time vacation with husband Philip at a caravan park in Middlesbrough. 'Who wants the so-called European glamour of St Tropez, Barcelona or Rome when you possibly can have all THIS in Britain?!' she tells the media, pointing to a mud-splattered, rain-soaked, freezing, empty subject.
Ex-PM David Cameron takes a bunch of his previous Eton schoolmates on a lads' vacation by non-public jet to South Africa the place they go trophy-hunting wild animals, guzzle £10,000 bottles of Chateau Latour and do despicable issues to severed pigs' heads. 'God, it's good to not must fake to be one of many bloody widespread folks any extra,' Cameron guffaws.
AUGUST
Angela Merkel is re-elected Chancellor of Germany after vowing to deport the a million migrants she let in final yr, writes Piers
A complete photo voltaic eclipse happens on the 21st, the primary that can be seen proper throughout America for 28 years. Because the nation blacks out, Hillary Clinton declares: 'Donald Trump has turned our nation into a really darkish place – precisely as I predicted.'
This month marks the 55th, 40th and 20th anniversaries of the deaths of Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley and Princess Diana respectively.
Because of this eerie coincidence,no main residing movie star leaves the protection of their very own house for the entire month. Disadvantaged of headlines, many require psychiatric therapy for Submit Consideration Withdrawal Dysfunction.
Angela Merkel is re-elected Chancellor of Germany after vowing to deport the a million migrants she let in final yr. 'I let my variety human coronary heart rule my ruthless political head,' she says. 'It'll by no means occur once more.'
Usain Bolt bows out from aggressive sprinting by profitable the 100m, 200m and 4x100m relay on the World Championships in London, cementing his standing as the best athlete of all time. He celebrates by consuming 500 rooster nuggets and taking all the forged of this yr's Victoria's Secret Vogue Present to mattress. 'I'm on the 5/2 food regimen,' he chuckles. '5 supermodels for each two nuggets.'
SEPTEMBER
Piers ideas Nigella Lawson (pictured) to switch Mary Berry as Nice British Bake Off host
The Nice British Bake Off relaunches on Channel Four with Nigella Lawson, under, changing Mary Berry. Scores plummet from ten million viewers to a few million, and the present is mired in a medicine scandal when Nigella is by chance caught on digital camera attempting to snort some icing powder.
In the meantime, the BBC launches a brand new cake present known as Berry's Bakery, starring Mary, which pulls in 15 million viewers. 'That's the best way the lemon drizzle cake crumbles,' she giggles.
Apple releases the eagerly anticipated iPhone eight. It permits you to take selfies in 1,000 other ways, with 10,000 beautifying filters, however not gives a cellphone name choice. 'Our clients are so narcissistic they simply don't have time to talk any extra,' confirms Apple boss Tim Cook dinner.
OCTOBER
Nigel Farage turns into the star of the brand new collection of Strictly Come Dancing, Piers predicts
Nigel Farage turns into the star of the brand new collection of Strictly Come Dancing. His leaden-footed paso doble with dance companion Katya Jones is given an ideal 10 by new head choose Ed Balls, who gushes: 'Reasonably like your Brexit marketing campaign, that was so unhealthy it was sensible!' Alas, when it's identified that the dance is Spanish and that Katya was born Ekaterina Sokolova in Russia, Farage withdraws from the competition and vows to take up morris dancing as an alternative.
His place on the present is taken by Ed Miliband, who slips over the second he walks on stage, and breaks his leg, thus turning into the one contestant within the present's historical past to attain an ideal zero and be eradicated earlier than even dancing a single step. 'I'm gutted for him,' says his smirking brother David.
NOVEMBER
The primary passenger Virgin Galactic area flight takes place, with Sir Richard Branson proudly on board along with his spouse Joan. 'I couldn't be extra thrilled,' he broadcasts after the profitable mission. 'I've at all times needed to hitch the 68,000 mile excessive membership!'
Lewis Hamilton regains his Method 1 title after ignoring workforce orders all season. 'There is no such thing as a "I" in "workforce",' declares a Mercedes spokesman. 'There are three in "Lewis is a winner," ' replies Hamilton.
DECEMBER
On the 50th anniversary of the world's first coronary heart transplant, Lord Sugar broadcasts that he has utilized to have one. The applying is swiftly rejected on the grounds that surgeons can discover no precise proof of any current coronary heart within the Apprentice host's physique.
Meghan Markle reveals she is pregnant. As she's from a mixed-race household (her mum is African-American, her dad is white), the infant is the primary non-white youngster born to a member of the Royal Household. Our Monarchy is thus lastly, and fortunately, propelled into the wonderful multi-cultural modernity of the nation that it represents.
Even higher, Meghan has turned out to be an exquisite princess – good, stunning, hard-working, refined, well-behaved and gifted.
'Ultimately!' says the Queen, in her conventional Christmas message.
As 2018 arrives there may be but extra stunning well being information from the world of showbiz: Keith Richards continues to be alive. 'I'm as surprised as anybody!' he cackles, swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniel's and puffing on a big spliff. 'Comfortable New Yr!'
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