By no means thoughts Brexit, the resignation of Name Me Dave, or the election of Donald Trump. If you happen to needed a real image of the world in 2016, you had to concentrate to the small print. Now it's time to check your information. Each appropriate reply has appeared within the Littlejohn column throughout the previous 12 months . . .
Now it's time to check your information with Richard Littlejohn's quiz
1 How did Wee Burney react to Britain voting to depart the European Union? She:
a) Demanded a second independence referendum.
b) Obtained completely blootered on Electrical Soup.
c) Known as for a boycott of Tunnock's Tea Muffins as a result of the corporate had dropped its Scottish Lion Rampant brand to make the product 'extra British'.
2 Disgraced Labour MP Simon Danczuk was caught exchanging intimate textual content messages with 17-year-old Sophie Houlihan. How did Miss Houlihan make her residing?
Labour MP Simon Danczuk was caught exchanging intimate texts with 17-year-old woman
a) Parliamentary researcher.
b) A secretary with the Stay marketing campaign.
c) On-line dominatrix, promoting her used knickers for £15 a pair and her toenail clippings for £10 a bag.
three The Bishop of London urged Anglican clerics to succeed in out to Muslims by:
a) Embracing polygamous marriage.
b) Changing to Islam and becoming a member of Izal.
c) Rising a beard.
four A 15-year previous Hampshire schoolboy discovered himself interviewed by the anti-terrorist squad after his college reported him for:
a) Making a nail bomb in chemistry class.
b) Distributing jihadist literature.
c) Logging on to a Ukip web site.
Right here is each appropriate reply has appeared within the Littlejohn column throughout the previous 12 months
5 To the handfuls of languages now used on official paperwork in Britain, lots of them scribble, bureaucrats have added one other:
a) Ayapaneco, spoken by simply two individuals within the distant Tabasco area of Mexico.
b) Klingon.
c) Polari, the 'bona' homosexual slang popularised within the Sixties by Kenneth Williams and Hugh Paddick on the radio comedy present Spherical The Horne.
6 A North Lanarkshire councillor who carried out a rooster dance throughout a city planning assembly, whereas singing the Motown hit Warfare by Edwin Starr, escaped censure by the Commissioner for Moral Requirements as a result of he:
a) Was affected by a psychological breakdown.
b) Was trying to attract consideration to the struggling of battery hens.
c) Claimed that any punishment could be in breach of his proper to freedom of political expression beneath Article 10 of the European Conference on Human Rights.
7 Sunderland and England footballer Adam Johnson was jailed for six years after admitting sexual contact with a 15-year-old woman. Somali asylum seeker Ali Abdullahi additionally attacked a 15-year-old woman and a lady on Torquay railway station. He was:
Sunderland and England footballer Adam Johnson was jailed for six years
a) Jailed for six years, like Johnson.
b) Deported again to Somalia.
c) Spared jail as a result of his defence legal professionals argued that Abdullahi got here from a 'conservative' tradition and didn't perceive the boundaries between women and men in Britain — regardless that he's lived right here since 2011.
eight For what function did Wandsworth Council comply with the erection of a marquee in a pay-and-display automobile park in Tooting, South London?
a) A circus.
b) Jeremy Clarkson's Grand Tour on Amazon Prime.
c) In order that hardline Shia Muslims might participate in a ritual show of flagellation, known as zanjeer zani, utilizing razor sharp blades connected to blood-drenched chains — a observe so barbaric it's even banned in Iran.
9 The College of Sheffield issued a information to utilizing the bogs as a result of:
a) Traces of Class A medication have been discovered on the cisterns.
b) Transgender college students requested a 'secure non-binary area'.
c) Cleaners complained in regards to the appalling mess made by college students from cultures the place they aren't used to flush toilets.
10 A person dressed as a zombie who assaulted a lady completed up as Little Crimson Driving Hood on a dancefloor, by sticking his hand up her skirt, was placed on the Intercourse Offenders' Register after he advised a court docket in Perth, Scotland, that he:
a) Slipped and caught maintain of her by accident.
b) Thought she was another person.
c) Was taken unexpectedly drunk and was solely attempting to be pleasant.
11 Within the identify of elf'n'security, Paignton Council in Devon banned seaside donkey rides, as a result of they have been nervous youngsters might fall off and harm themselves. They changed them with:
a) Video video games.
b) Zumba courses.
c) Trampolines.
By no means thoughts Brexit, the resignation of Name Me Dave, or the election of Donald Trump. If you happen to needed a real image of the world in 2016, you had to concentrate to the small print
12 A married superstar managed to safe an injunction to guard his id. He didn't need us discovering out that he'd:
a) Been caught snorting cocaine.
b) Taken half in a Nazi-themed orgy.
c) Indulged in extra-marital threesomes with one other couple in a paddling pool stuffed with olive oil.
13 A 3rd of dentists struck off in Britain have been found to have certified overseas. Below EU guidelines, they aren't even required to talk English. They included a Romanian dentist discovered:
a) Pulling enamel with a pair of rusty pliers.
b) Making dentures out of Polyfilla in a shed in Southall.
c) Attempting to suit bridgework to a lady in a McDonald's hamburger restaurant.
14 A one-legged Albanian gangster, convicted of two murders, fled to Britain posing as a Kosovan refugee. As soon as he arrived right here, he began promoting medication and his spouse says he at all times carried a gun or knife. How did British authorities react?
a) He was arrested instantly by armed officers.
b) He was deported again to Albania to face trial.
c) He was granted British citizenship, given a four-bedroom council home, £2,000 a month in welfare advantages, a brand new prosthetic leg on the NHS and authorized assist to enchantment in opposition to deportation.
15 Former soldier Abdoulie Bojang, initially from Gambia however now residing in Warwickshire, sued the Military for £200,000 as a result of he had:
a) Been subjected to racial abuse from fellow soldiers.
b) Been unfairly denied promotion.
c) Suffered frostbite whereas on a coaching train in Canada. He claimed the Military did not take account of his ethnicity as a result of troopers of Afro-Caribbean descent are 'notably susceptible in low temperatures'.
16 Work on the HS2 high-speed railway line confronted lengthy delays as a result of:
HS2 high-speed railway line
a) Attorneys for Greenpeace lodged a Excessive Courtroom problem.
b) Aslef and the RMT are refusing to function the brand new trains until they've a person strolling in entrance waving a purple flag.
c) Environmentalists found that work on the road would 'devastate' a colony of 11 uncommon hedgehogs residing in a carpark close to London's Euston Station.
17 The controversial £190,000 bridge constructed for dormice over a by-pass close to Pontypridd:
a) Has been utilized by 1,000,000 dormice because it opened.
b) Turned a mannequin for related tasks throughout Europe.
c) Was blown down by 'Storm Imogen' in February and, final time anybody regarded, nonetheless hadn't been put again up.
18 As if internet migration of 330,000 wasn't sufficient, Britain confronted a brand new invasion from throughout the Channel this 12 months:
a) Jihadists from Syria, pretending to be 'youngsters'.
b) Gypsies from Romania, driving Mercedes SUVs.
c) A plague of poisonous caterpillars from the Netherlands. They develop as much as change into Oak Processionary Moths and assault native bushes, pets and livestock.
19 Cambridgeshire Police got here up with an thrilling new manner of tackling crime:
a) Placing extra bobbies on the beat.
b) Reopening village police stations.
c) Handing out free underwear, toiletries and sanitary merchandise to younger offenders to cease them stealing.
20 A bakery employee from Greenock, Inverclyde, gained £650 compensation for unfair dismissal as a result of his bosses hadn't adopted correct process, regardless that he didn't flip up for work for 2 months as a result of:
a) He was significantly ailing.
b) He was on a safari vacation in Kenya.
c) He was in jail, serving time for harmful driving and breach of the peace.
21 As a part of a brand new progressive schooling programme, academics at a Catholic main college in Milton Keynes have been banned from:
a) Giving naughty pupils detention.
b) Educating the 3Rs by rote.
c) Blowing whistles within the playground as a result of it's 'too aggressive' and the noise might frighten the kids.
22 West Yorkshire Police got here up with an thrilling new slogan to stay on the facet of its patrol automobiles:
a) Don't drink and drive.
b) Put your trousers on, you're bleedin' nicked.
c) Working to change into dementia pleasant.
23 Following the profitable reintroduction of golf on the Rio Video games, English Heritage is urgent for an additional conventional British sport to be included within the Olympics:
Golf was reintroduced as a sport at this 12 months's Rio Video games however what are English Heritage pushing for now?
a) Falconry.
b) Tiddlywinks.
c) Jousting.
24 Site visitors cop PC Steve Hutton from Wiltshire chased a suspect automobile off the M4. When it pulled over, 4 males jumped out and fled into the evening on foot. How did Steve handle to detain one in every of them?
a) He rugby tackled him.
b) He Tasered him.
c) He shouted that he was a canine handler after which acquired down on all fours and began barking, pretending to be a police canine. The suspect surrendered.
25 Some new members of the WI in Brighton celebrated the Queen's 90th birthday by:
a) Brewing an enormous vat of strawberry jam.
b) Baking the world's greatest birthday cake.
c) Attempting to ban the waving of Union flags and the singing of Land Of Hope And Glory and Rule Britannia! on the grounds that they rejoice 'racism, jingoism and colonialism'.
26 Gloucestershire Police raided an occasion in Bourton-on-the-Water, designed to lift cash for the NHS blood supply service. Officers threatened to arrest the organisers as a result of:
a) They didn't have a licence to promote alcohol.
b) They'd employed Motorhead to carry out and the racket was disturbing the peace.
c) They'd launched 100 rubber geese on to the River Windrush, with out permission.
27 Scholar union leaders in Southampton, Birmingham and Cardiff, who're campaigning for 'trans' rights, demanded that every one male bogs ought to provide:
a) Hair dryers.
b) Spare tights.
c) Sanitary towel disposal bins for 'males who menstruate'.
28 A lot of universities have launched measures to assist college students address the stress brought on by exams and 'revision anxiousness'. These embody:
a) Valium.
b) Chilly showers.
c) Bouncy castles and particular 'pet rooms' the place the poor stressed-out snowflakes can stroke animals till they really feel higher.
29 Airbus got here up with a novel plan to chop the queues for the loos on lengthy haul flights:
Airbus got here up with a novel plan to chop the queues for the loos on lengthy haul flights
a) Scale back the variety of seats in financial system class and supply extra washrooms.
b) Encourage airways to cease handing out free drinks.
c) Set up urinals.
30 A 20-year-old lady who went to Bulford Military barracks in Wiltshire for a delicate threesome ended up servicing seven troopers. A court docket martial heard:
a) She was filmed performing a intercourse act on a squaddie who was carrying a fuel masks.
b) She solely complained after being hit on the buttocks with the 'regimental cane' — however it didn't cease her having intercourse with three of the troopers 'concurrently' instantly afterwards.
c) All the above.
31 Writing within the Mail on Sunday, an nameless decide got here up with an correct methodology for ascertaining precisely what number of illegals live in London:
a) Introduce correct ID checks on the border and at NHS hospitals and surgical procedures.
b) Depend the variety of Uber drivers and multiply by 10,000.
c) Monitor sewage ranges and evaluate them in opposition to the official inhabitants figures. What goes in should come out — and the sewage trade estimates there are at the very least 1,000,000 extra individuals in London than formally registered.
32 An East London council employed employees to compile DNA profiles of canines from the mess they go away in parks and on pavements. Apparently, you may inform breed, gender, eye color and even the feel of the canine's coat from stool samples, which might result in the proprietor being traced and fined. Which council?
a) Isle of Canines.
b) Houndsditch.
c) Barking.
33 Emergency companies have been known as out 12,000 instances to free individuals trapped in their very own rest room. Among the many most awkward:
a) A 24st man wedged in a shower.
b) A person who needed to be rescued after getting his testicles trapped beneath a rest room seat.
c) Don't ask.
34 Regardless of the monetary disaster, well being consultants say the NHS should spend tons of of thousands and thousands of kilos extra taxpayers' cash on combating coronary heart illness. Medical doctors needs to be issuing free prescriptions for:
a) Statins.
b) Aspirins.
c) Fruit, greens and oily fish.
35 Labour's Keith Vaz has escaped prosecution, regardless of providing to purchase unlawful medication for some Japanese European lease boys with whom he was consorting. After they requested who he was, he replied:
a) MP for Leicester East.
b) Chairman of the Commons House Affairs Choose Committee.
c) Jim, a washer salesman.
36 Through the summer season, a variety of dopey birds from Britain made their method to the Calais 'Jungle' to:
a) Assist the Crimson Cross.
b) Work in soup kitchens and supply authorized recommendation.
c) Have informal intercourse with younger male migrants.
37 Labour's home violence spokesman Sarah Champion was within the information this 12 months. She:
a) Launched a invoice in opposition to compelled marriage amongst immigrant communities.
b) Campaigned in opposition to feminine genital mutilation.
c) Was cautioned by police after beating up her husband.
38 Talking of Labour girls, failed management contender Liz Kendall revealed a secret about herself. She:
a) Was as soon as a member of the Younger Communist League.
b) Grew up as a boy known as Les, till choosing gender reassignment in her teenagers.
c) As soon as carried out a dance for her finest buddy, alleged comic Arthur Smith, whereas dressed up as a wooden nymph. She was in her mid-30s on the time.
39 With Britain within the grip of recycling insanity, refuse assortment jobsworths in Anglesey stated they might acquire soiled nappies solely:
a) As soon as a fortnight.
b) As soon as in a blue moon.
c) If mother and father might produce a beginning certificates proving that their youngster is beneath three years previous.
40 And at last, Esther. What was Wee Burney's nickname at Glasgow College?
a) Sturgeon.
b) Wee Jimmy Krankie.
c) Seaweed — as a result of not even the tide would take her out.
How You Scored
Frankly, all these solutions might have been true. However when you answered largely A, You Couldn't Make It Up.
Largely B, Thoughts How You Go, with a little bit of Right here We Go Looby Lavatory thrown in for good measure.
As you in all probability guessed, although, the right solutions have been all C.
Makes You Proud To Be British.
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