Since that is my final column earlier than Christmas, I believed maybe it could be acceptable to mirror on the large points which have dominated the information agenda in 2016.
the kind of factor: Brexit; the disaster in Aleppo; Russian expansionism; the election of Donald Trump in America; the implosion of the Labour Social gathering; the reignition of the Scottish independence debate; the BBC shedding Bake Off to Channel four.
However then I believed: who provides a monkey's? These are all worthy sufficient tales in their very own proper, however as Noddy Holder, of Slade, as soon as noticed:
The as soon as nice metropolis of Norwich, it appears, has been infiltrated by headbangers
It's CHRISS-MAAASS!
Exactly.
So at present I believed I'd deliver you a seasonal tackle one of many nice mysteries of our age, which has been exercising among the most interesting minds in Britain for the previous two or three years.
What the hell are they placing within the water provide in Norwich?
This as soon as staid cathedral metropolis within the East of England — house of Alan Partridge; Colman's Mustard; and the Quiz Of The Week with Nicholas Parsons — has been infiltrated by headbangers.
Not simply any previous headbanger, both. The worst type — headbangers in fancy gown.
As common readers are conscious, I don't do fancy gown. It's not large, it's not intelligent, it's not humorous. Fancy gown is the final resort of individuals with no sense of humour by any means.
I'd make an exception for Del Boy and Rodney, as Batman and Robin in that well-known Solely Fools And Horses Christmas Particular, however solely as a result of it highlights the absurdity of grown males raiding the dressing-up field.
They arrive at a celebration in superhero costumes, considering it's fancy gown, solely to find that nobody has bothered to inform them that it's was a wake for his or her host, who has died all of a sudden.
RICHARD LITTLEJOHN has little time for fancy gown, besides, maybe, within the case of Delboy and Rodney as Batman and Robin
This episode options one of many nice scene-stealing strains from Set off, who solutions the door to the Trotter brothers sporting a sombre black swimsuit, white shirt and black tie.
'We didn't know fancy gown had been cancelled,' says Rodney.
'Me neither,' says Set off.
'You imply that's your costume?'
'Yeah, I've come as a chauffeur.'
Good. There's no reply to that, as Eric Morecambe used to say.
So each time I'm invited to a dressing up occasion, if I could be bothered to go, I at all times pull on a polo shirt and a pair of denims — which is what I put on half the time anyway.
If anybody asks me who I'm imagined to be, I inform them: 'I've come as a Mod.'
Failing that, you possibly can fall again on a dinner swimsuit and a dickie bow and faux you've come as a bouncer or a wine waiter.
Time was after we did fancy gown badly on this nation. It was a supply of some satisfaction. The ladies would possibly make a little bit of an effort, however most males merely couldn't be fagged.
On the final fancy gown bash I went to, mine host — my mate Ian Ganney — greeted us in his typical uniform of golf shirt, golf slacks and golf jumper.
In a single incident in Norwich, two males dressed as Ozzy Osbourne and Elvis Presley attacked an off-duty police officer who, for some purpose, was sporting a Wyatt Earp cowboy outfit
His solely concession to the night's masquerade was a cheap-looking, Bri-Nylon Rod Stewart wig, which fell off midway via the second verse of Maggie Could and disappeared beneath a cushion for the remainder of the night time.
The rot set in when individuals began taking fancy gown critically — and retailers started popping as much as cater to their each want.
Over the previous few years, this column has assiduously chronicled among the nice fancy gown disasters of our age.
Seaside resorts have been plagued with drunks executed up as all the things from visitors cones to zombies. We've had individuals going 'dogging' dressed as Smurfs, Little Purple Using Hood, even Tigger from Winnie the Pooh.
No hen night time or stag occasion is taken into account full except the members are kitted out as Spider-Man or Marvel Lady.
Daleks have develop into more and more widespread, too, though pace humps can current a severe hazard after just a few sherbets.
Inevitably, as soon as drink has been taken, these revelries regularly descend into violence, particularly in the course of the festive season. Keep in mind the mass brawl at Manchester railway station, involving a variety of younger males dressed as The place's Wally?
However nowhere has this regrettable phenomenon taken maintain extra disastrously than in Norwich, the jewel of East Anglia.
All of it started in 2013, when a gang of Physician Who fanatics gatecrashed a Star Wars conference and commenced brawling with Jedi Knights and a few Darth Vaders, full with lightsabers.
Police arrived to discover a full-scale combat beneath method between a pair of Time Lords and a Choose Dredd. This adopted a manhunt for 2 thugs dressed as Oompa Loompas, who assaulted a person exterior a kebab store in Norwich metropolis centre.
Elsewhere, we discovered that two off-duty coppers, dressed as a zebra and a monkey, had apprehended a violent man on the street in Solihull, West Midlands
In a separate incident, additionally in Norwich, two males dressed as Ozzy Osbourne and Elvis Presley attacked an off-duty police officer who, for some purpose, was sporting a Wyatt Earp cowboy outfit.
Elsewhere, we discovered that two off-duty coppers, dressed as a zebra and a monkey, had apprehended a violent man on the street in Solihull, West Midlands.
It appears that evidently as of late one of the best ways for undercover officers to mix in is to not put on plain garments however to get togged up as a personality from the Jungle E-book.
Now I'm the King of the Swingers, oh, the Jungle CID!
In the meantime, again in Norwich, the native college students' union banned the sporting of sombreros given away as a promotional reward by a neighborhood Mexican restaurant. This wasn't to forestall a re-enactment of the Alamo within the college bar, however as a result of they thought-about sombreros to be offensive symbols of cultural appropriation and due to this fact RAY-CIST!
Pupil leaders in Norwich additionally fell out with members of the college rugby membership over the 'inappropriate' costumes among the First XV wore to a dressing up occasion.
These included a Ku Klux Klan outfit; a pupil in a Wales soccer equipment, who claimed to be Gary Pace — the supervisor who hanged himself; and one other who thought it a good suggestion to decorate as Child P, the tragic sufferer of the Haringey baby abuse scandal.
You couldn't make it up.
Which brings us bang updated. Norwich is as soon as once more within the information this week, following a Wild West-style brawl at an Elvis Presley tribute night time on the Theatre Royal.
There was a mass brawl at Manchester railway station, involving a variety of younger males dressed as The place's Wally? (pictured)
Violence broke out after a 6ft 5in man in a pair of The King's trademark sun shades — from his Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love interval — received up, began dancing and refused to take a seat down.
Combating shortly erupted over no less than 4 rows on the entrance of the stalls. Ambulances have been known as and a theatre spokesman mentioned the large Elvis impersonator who began the difficulty had a 'medical challenge' and had develop into 'disorientated'.
It's not know if he is identical Elvis who was concerned within the earlier incident involving Ozzy Osbourne and Wyatt Earp.
I'll spare you the Jailhouse Rock and All Shook Up gags. However in case you are venturing out this Christmas weekend, I'd give any swaying Elvis impersonators, Jedi and Disney characters a large berth — simply in case.
And when you spot a bloke sporting a Santa swimsuit, ignore him. He may be an undercover policeman.
Have a superb festive season. The intense stuff can wait till the New 12 months.
Convey On The Oompa Loompas!
Through the referendum marketing campaign. Mom Theresa emerged solely as soon as from behind her couch — warning that Britain can be much less protected if we left the EU as a result of we relied on 'intelligence' from different European safety companies.
After Brussels, Paris and this week's tragic assault in Berlin — all by terrorists who have been already on the Belgian, French and German police's radar — the earlier Brexit means Brexit, the higher.
Billericay thickies
Sadly, what would have been an excellent entry for the 2016 Thoughts How You Go Awards arrived this week, too late to make the reduce.
When Essex police discovered the physique of gangster John 'Goldfinger' Palmer, it was riddled with bullet holes.
Their speedy conclusion was that he'd died from 'pure causes', most likely on account of keyhole surgical procedure. We're not speaking Silent Witness right here, are we?
Possibly the judges will agree to incorporate this spectacular effort in subsequent 12 months's competitors. They may introduce a particular class only for Essex Plod — the Clouseau Trophy.
It solely stays for me to thanks all on your very good contributions to Thoughts How You Go, You Couldn't Make It Up and Right here We Go Looby Lavatory.
I say it yearly however — within the phrases of the late Hughie Inexperienced: 'I imply this most sincerely, associates' — this column merely wouldn't be the identical with out you.
Be careful for my 2016 Makes You Proud To Be British Quiz subsequent week, which options among the great materials you may have despatched me this 12 months.
Merry Christmas.
A university modern of Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon writes to tell me of her nickname at Glasgow College.
No, not Wee Burney, or Wee Jimmy Krankie. She was referred to as 'Seaweed'.
Why? As a result of not even the tide would take her out.
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