It's RICHARD LITTLEJOHN's Mind How You Go Awards 2016 celebrating police stupidity

Sure, it's that point of yr once more. The judges have deliberated, cogitated and digested all of the entries, over a working lunch of sausage rolls, Mars Bars, wine gums, Jelly Infants and ham sandwiches — the kind that are available in cellophane packets.

Connoisseurs of The Sweeney will recognise our seasonal buffet gadgets because the Jack Regan weight-reduction plan for coppers on surveillance, being each nutritious and handy for storing within the glove compartment of a Ford Consul 3000 GT.

So most of you should have labored out that I'm speaking in regards to the annual Thoughts How You Go Awards, which rejoice excellent examples of police stupidity, incompetence and abuse of energy. 

Higher Manchester's Assistant Chief Constable Rebekah Sutcliffe, pictured, was suspended from responsibility after getting concerned in a heated spat with a feminine superintendent, Sarah Jackson, resulting in her exposing her breasts to 'show they had been actual'

But once more, competitors has been fierce. Our judges had been notably impressed by the number of entries from throughout Britain.

Sadly, two of essentially the most thrilling examples arrived too late to make the lower. 

Each got here from Wiltshire Police, which remains to be within the working after blowing £700,00zero attempting to dredge up allegations of 'historic' intercourse abuse towards former Prime Minister Edward Heath, who — like Jimmy Savile — stays lifeless.

Though it managed to seek out such an enormous sum of money to analyze Grocer Heath, already cleared by the collapse of the Met's discredited Paedos In Excessive Locations probe, Wiltshire Plod continues to plead poverty.

Police stations have been closed and officers are lowered to figuring out of council premises, which don't have any cells. 

A nick with no cells is sort of a pub with no beer. However this might clarify why, as a substitute of sending out officers to make arrests, Wiltshire PD is writing to suspects to ask them as a substitute to make their very own approach to interrogations.

Inspector Pete Sparrow mentioned: 'We will't afford to arrest everybody.'

Which could ring true had we not additionally realized yesterday that Wiltshire police despatched 9 — sure NINE — squad automobiles to arrest a suspected 'knifeman' in Salisbury. 

Wiltshire police despatched 9 police automobiles to reviews of a person wielding a blade in Salisbury, solely to seek out he was gardening with a pair of hedge trimmers (file image)

Sadly, once they bought there, they found a person trimming a bush with a pair of hedge trimmers.

He was considerably stunned to seek out himself surrounded by armed police, ordering him to: 'Freeze!'

That is proper up there with police in Devon, who dispatched dozens of armed coppers and a helicopter to put siege for 5 hours to a home the place a home dispute was beneath means. 

A person was later charged with damaging a biscuit tin.

The identical police 'service' additionally despatched a workforce of tooled-up marksmen to confront a desperado reported to be carrying a shotgun in Plymouth procuring centre. 

Turned out it was a toy lightsaber and he was on his approach to a Star Wars conference.

Might the Drive be with you.

Elsewhere, in Skegness, Lincolnshire, police charged a mobility scooter person with drink-driving when he staged a protest at a drive-in McDonald's. 

Michael Inexperienced was breathalysed by police in Skegness, Lincolnshire and charged with drink-driving after he protested not being served at a McDonald's drive-thru on his mobility scooter

The CPS later dropped the case towards Mr Inexperienced, pictured, as a result of it was 'not within the public curiosity to prosecute'

Officers had been referred to as after employees on the burger restaurant mentioned they wouldn't serve 62-year-old Michael Inexperienced as a result of he wasn't driving a automotive.

Mr Inexperienced refused a breathalyser and was arrested for being drunk accountable for a carriage beneath the 1872 Licensing Act — which was meant to use to anybody using a motorcycle, a horse or a cart pulled by a cow.

Once they realised that mobility scooters didn't exist in 1872, Crown prosecutors determined correctly that the case was not within the public curiosity.

After all, no Thoughts How You Go Awards ceremony could be full with out our previous buddies on the North Wales Visitors Taliban, who gained a Lifetime Achievement Award after Tasering a sheep on the A55. 

This yr they intentionally ran over a stray canine on the identical stretch of highway. Officers mentioned the canine was posing a hazard to fast-moving visitors.

For this valiant feat they've been awarded the Mad Mullah Memorial Trophy, named in honour of former Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom, founder and religious chief of the Visitors Taliban.

Our judges had been delicate to the truth that in recent times they've tended to miss the achievements of feminine officers.

So, within the pursuits of variety, consideration was given to the efforts of plenty of ladies in senior positions who've been doing their finest to crash by means of the awards' glass ceiling.

Former Met Deputy Assistant Commissioner Maxine de Brunner was positioned beneath investigation after arranging for law enforcement officials to entertain youngsters at her son's non-public college in Surrey, pictured

Particular point out should go to former Met Deputy Assistant Commissioner Maxine de Brunner, who was positioned beneath investigation after arranging for law enforcement officials to entertain youngsters at her son's non-public college.

Dozens of bobbies, together with canine, horses and patrol automobiles, had been despatched to the varsity in Surrey, together with members of the Territorial Help Group and the Chemical, Organic, Radiological and Nuclear Unit.

Pupils had been allowed to put on riot gear, wield truncheons and check out on handcuffs. 

They even bought to stage a mock riot, charging the police and pelting their plastic shields with tennis balls. The price to taxpayers is estimated at £10,00zero.

De Brunner has loads of earlier, together with being discovered responsible of intercourse discrimination towards a male officer — though she was accountable for the anti-discrimination unit on the time.

And three years in the past, she spent £660 of taxpayers' cash on a ceremonial tricorn hat, when the Met was having to make £500 million of spending cuts.

Sadly, Miss de Brunner is now not eligible for an award as she was allowed to retire quietly to flee disciplinary fees.

In the meantime, within the title of variety, plenty of police forces introduced that they had been going to deal with 'misogyny' as a 'hate crime'. 

This adopted a pilot scheme in Nottingham geared toward arresting males who wolf-whistled at ladies.

Wiltshire Police additionally spent £700,00zero on a intercourse abuse probe towards former prime minister Sir Edward Heath, pictured, who died in 2005

In the identical spirit, the top of West Midlands Police mentioned that feminine officers ought to have the appropriate to stroll the beat sporting burkas, in a bid to draw extra Muslim ladies recruits.

That ought to cease anybody wolf-whistling them, no less than.

West Midlands additionally submitted a late entry, introducing taxpayer-funded courses for male coppers on the right way to deal with ladies going by means of the menopause. Riot shields and helmets all spherical!

However the runaway winner is Higher Manchester's Assistant Chief Constable Rebekah Sutcliffe, who was suspended from responsibility after getting concerned in a heated spat with a feminine superintendent, Sarah Jackson.

Each had been consuming at a Senior Girls In Policing convention when an argument broke out over which ones had essentially the most enticing breasts.

The row revolved round accusations that Supt Jackson's chest was surgically enhanced. Sutcliffe bought her breasts out to show they had been actual, saying: 'Have a look at these, take a look at these. 

'These are the breasts of somebody who has had three youngsters. They're ugly however I don't really feel the necessity to pump myself stuffed with silicone to get vanity.'

Sutcliffe was discovered responsible of great misconduct, however allowed to maintain her job. 

Her behaviour has additionally gained her the model new Prosecco Trophy — sponsored by the Italian Wine Growers Affiliation, backers of the coveted Right here We Go Looby Bathroom Awards.

North Wales police tasered a sheep on the A55 after which intentionally ran over a canine on the identical stretch of highway as a result of it 'posed a hazard to fast-paced visitors'

However now we get to the intense stuff. Wee Burney's Non-public Military — or Police Scotland as it's extra generally recognized — imprisoned a toy collector over a minor dispute about three Dinky automobiles, valued at £16, which he had marketed on the market on the web.

Appears like a civil case at finest, one for the small claims court docket. However Police Scotland accused him of fraud and handled him like a hardened legal.

Charles Traynor, from Glasgow, was arrested at his house, taken into custody, thrown in a cell for 4 hours, fingerprinted, and had his DNA taken.

Mr Traynor, who suffers from diabetes and a coronary heart grievance, needed to wait 467 days earlier than studying that no fees could be introduced towards him. Not solely that, however McPlod refused to apologise.

Sound acquainted?

What number of harmless lives have been destroyed by over-zealous police inquiries in recent times?

Journalists, innocent celebrities, politicians such because the late Residence Secretary Leon Brittan. 

Maybe essentially the most ghastly and unforgivable was the hounding of 92-year-old struggle hero Lord Bramall by the Met's Nonce Squad.

All of this occurred beneath Commissioner Bernard Hyphen-Howe, dubbed The Man Who Shames The Met by the Every day Mail.

Charles Traynor, pictured, from Glasgow, was arrested at his house, taken into custody, thrown in a cell for 4 hours, fingerprinted, and had his DNA taken over a minor dispute about three Dinky automobiles, valued at £16, which he had marketed on the market on the web

His smug refusal to apologise or admit errors; his criminalisation of any contact between coppers and the free Press; his reign of terror at Scotland Yard; all had law enforcement officials and reporters alike eager for the golden period of his hapless predecessor Ian Blair.

And but he nonetheless managed to present us a giggle when he despatched subordinates to Holland to check a plan to make use of eagles to deliver down rogue drones guided by terrorists and criminals.

It introduced a complete new that means to the time period: Flying Squad.

He was resulting from obtain the World's Worst Copper trophy from the present holder, Mad Mullah Brunstrom. 

However he can't be with us tonight as a result of he's attending an all-expenses paid 'safety convention' at a six-star resort within the Center East — simply as he was when he failed to show as much as clarify himself to a choose committee of MPs.

Luckily, Hyphen-Howe is retiring in February. So put your trousers on, Bernard, you'll not be missed.

Thoughts How You Go.

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