Tongue-in-cheek New Year resolutions for those in the news

Diane Abbott — to cease texting when listening to speeches by her chief and ex-lover, Jeremy Corbyn. She seems to be so bored.

Archbishop of Canterbury — to recollect Monty Python's movie Life Of Brian and look on the brilliant facet of life as an alternative of moaning about Brexit and Trump, as he appeared to in his Christmas sermon.

Aslef rail strikers — go and discover totally different jobs as a result of they plainly assume their present employment insupportable (see additionally Southern Rail managers, under, proper).

Gary Lineker — to stay to the evening job, reasonably than pontificating on every thing from Brexit to baby migrants

Ed Balls — to maintain off the pies if he's to have any likelihood of becoming into that tutu for the Strictly tour.

The BBC — to cease attempting to ram 'kilometres' down our throats as an EU-compliant different to British 'miles'.

Alan Bennett — to shine his halo.

John Bercow, Speaker of the Home of Commons — 'Mr Squeaker' has stated he'll go subsequent yr, however why not retire early? The nation could be so relieved to see the again of him, there could be no problem pushing via an early retirement bundle for him and his always-demure spouse, Sally.

Tony Blair — to go away the Labour Celebration (supplied he was ever really a member).

Russell Model, comic — ship some flowers to the widow of Andrew Sachs, the late actor he so cruelly mocked.

David Cameron — purchase some dungarees and change into a full-time house-husband.

Mark Carney — if the Remoaner-leaning Governor of the Financial institution of England fancies chopping for dwelling early, Air Canada is doing terrific offers on one-way tickets proper now. His family and friends in Edmonton would absolutely like to have him again.

Woman Chakrabarti — to proceed her glorious work in besmirching the Home of Lords, tainting the Labour Celebration and displaying that human-rights-lawyer media tarts are dodgy. What a wonderfully disastrous 2016 Shami had. Stick with it, milady!

Nick Clegg — to look again at his notes and guarantee he was proper when he stated the Queen didn't help Brexit. You would not need to misrepresent occasions, would you, Nick?

Diane Abbott — to cease texting when listening to speeches by her chief and ex-lover, Jeremy Corbyn. She seems to be so bored

Hillary Clinton — deep respiratory workouts each morning after waking up and realising — with a wailing 'nooooo!' — that she actually did lose to Trump.

Alastair Prepare dinner (and the England cricket staff) — extra time within the nets.

Yvette Cooper — to soak up a Syrian refugee, as she stated she would. If she quietly did so, it might confound her Proper-wing doubters and put her in an excellent place to succeed Jeremy Corbyn.

Jeremy Corbyn — lastly to take down that Fidel Castro poster from his bed room wall.

Dalai Lama — my pricey, orange is SO final yr.

David Davis — the Brexit Minister must cease swallowing his phrases. The Brussels interpreters are going to have a horrible time deciphering his mumbling.

Duke of Edinburgh — repair a date for a couple of beers with Nigel Farage.

Mick Jagger — is it not time for outdated rubber lips (having simply, aged 73, spawned his eighth baby) to have the snip?

Duke of York — would possibly a while on a media-relations course not be effectively spent?

Tim Farron — It is OK, Tim, you may take off that 'My Identify Is Timbo' badge now. Your eight MPs nearly know who you're. (The Lib Dem chief.)

Bob Geldof — to cease auditioning for the position of foul-mouthed Father Jack in any remake of TV's Father Ted. You must admit, although: he'd be an ideal substitute for the unique star, the late Frank Kelly.

Nigel Farage — no matter occurs, to refuse if Ukip asks him to change into chief for the fourth time.

Len Goodman — new tooth for the ex-Strictly Come Dancing choose.

Chancellor Philip Hammond —to put in writing 100 instances, on lined paper, 'I actually MUST cease plotting towards Liam Fox'.

Dylan Hartley — the unhealthy boy England rugby captain must be EXTREMELY well mannered to all referees for the subsequent few weeks, at the very least till the Six Nations match is over. If which means calling them 'sir', providing to scrub their whistle at half-time and saying 'after you, I insist' to opponents at each ruck. Simply do not get your self despatched off once more, you clot.

Prince George — cease eyeing up Lupo the cocker spaniel's Good Boy doggy chocolate drops.

Paul Hollywood — an apology to Bake Off viewers and his former co-star Mary Berry could be so as after he helped result in Channel four's acquisition of the present from the BBC.

Mick Jagger — is it not time for outdated rubber lips (having simply, aged 73, spawned his eighth baby) to have the snip?

Diane James — the MEP who was elected to steer Ukip after which stated she didn't need to do the job ought to maybe make her New 12 months decision to be reasonably extra resolute this yr.

Ed Balls — to maintain off the pies if he's to have any likelihood of becoming into that tutu for the Strictly tour

Boris Johnson — to withstand the temptation to streak starkers up and down the lengthy corridors of his weekend grace-and-favour dwelling, Chevening, shouting: 'I am Overseas Secretary and it is all MINE!'

Rachel Johnson (Boris's sister) and Stanley Johnson (his dad) — to stop this insistent, Trappist silence.

Jean-Claude Juncker, European Fee President — simply the one glass of Vino Collapso at lunch, maybe, for Monsieur Europe.

Larry, the Downing Avenue cat —set up peaceable relations with Palmerston, the Overseas Workplace's cat. Issues weren't at all times cordial in 2016 and in a single incident Palmerston was badly clawed by 'thug' Larry. If the cats can kind a greater working relationship, Theresa and Boris would possibly observe go well with.

Gary Lineker — to stay to the evening job, reasonably than pontificating on every thing from Brexit to baby migrants.

Meghan Markle, Prince Harry's girlfriend — to practise the British manner with a knife and fork whereas chowing down on the Home of Windsor.

Theresa Could — go on, Prime Minister, give us a joke. Just a bit one. You are able to do it if you happen to attempt tougher.

Gina Miller — might the Metropolis financier promise to inform us the place all the cash has come from for her anti-Brexit authorized motion towards the Authorities?

Seamus Milne — Jeremy Corbyn's hard-Left, Wykehamist spin physician should redouble his dedication to bringing down the capitalist system. No pasaran, comrades!

Nicky Morgan — so impolite about Theresa Could's leather-based trousers, Tory moist and ex-Cupboard minister, she wants to verify she by no means retailers anyplace costlier than Primark. Or possibly Peacocks, if (ahem) Primark doesn't have her measurement.

Max Mosley — the orgy-going, millionaire anti-Press zealot is at all times lecturing us on learn how to run our newspapers.Why would not he make it his New 12 months decision to purchase a paper and present us how straightforward it's?

Paul O'Grady — the broadcaster nonetheless hasn't delivered his private manifesto dedication . . . to to migrate if the Tories received the 2015 election. We're ready, dearie.

Robert Peston — the TV journalist must cease admiring his reflection within the ITV digital camera lens. Go away that fringe alone, Robert.

John Prescott — to surrender these buttery crumpets.

Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg — to purchase a shell-suit and present that something Jeremy Corbyn can do, the Mogg can do higher.

Sir Salman Rushdie — to cease writing now, please.

Nicola Sturgeon — to cease spraying fairly a lot lacquer on that hairdo. The ozone layer above Edinburgh should seem like mousetrap cheese by now

Alex Salmond — the previous Scottish First Minister ought to make at the very least a pretence of trying when the Scots Nats' Westminster chief Angus Robertson makes his pulverisingly uninteresting contributions at PMQs.

Dan Snow — coming from a household of TV big-hitters, and because the husband of fantastically wealthy Woman Edwina Grosvenor, might dishy Dan this yr please spare us his Left-wing hand-wringing?

Southern Rail managers — to promote the corporate to somebody who really is aware of learn how to run a railway.

Nicola Sturgeon — to cease spraying fairly a lot lacquer on that hairdo. The ozone layer above Edinburgh should seem like mousetrap cheese by now.

Lord Thomas, Lord Chief Justice — to desist from ludicrous moans about pay and circumstances of Excessive Court docket judges: £183,000 plus perks is large cash in the actual world.

Donald Trump — to cease saying 'let me inform ya'. Simply inform us, Mr President-elect.

Turner Prize judges — a gaggle eye-test at Specsavers for these plainly half-blind fools, pronto.

Tom Watson — Labour's deputy chief might apologise, apologise, apologise (till his knees ache) for the distress he is precipitated the household of the late Leon Brittan. Watson led a paedophile witch-hunt towards the previous Dwelling Secretary — who died with out figuring out he had been cleared of a rape allegation.

Arsene Wenger — to cease doing these devastatingly correct Christine Lagarde impressions in post-match interviews.